Baby, baby, baby.........

We’re just getting reports in that a non-royal baby has been born in Sauve. To mark this historic event, a spokesman for the non-royals said: ‘Mother and baby are doing fine. We would ask that you respect the family’s privacy, particularly if you don’t know them and are never likely to.’

‘We would particularly ask that references to ‘the future non-heir/monarch,’ or indeed, anything in that general ballpark should be avoided at all costs. We would also appreciate it if you would refrain from sending gifts, particularly those of a knitted nature in pastel. We already have enough junk from poor, sad tabloid readers and whilst we are well placed to appreciate their cretinous, Pavlovian behaviour, we, at least, do have lives.’

Thank you for your understanding.